My name is Katherine J. Krein. I lost my father in June of 2013, and then I lost my mother in November of the same year. After they both died I went through a mind-warping number obsession that has taken me years to control. This is my story. It is now 2025. I still use this site to post some poems and thoughts. My obsession has faded, however, I still notice the numbers. Faith, hope, and love is what guides me now.
“Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain there would be no life.” John Updike
The overcast sky dominated the day.
The soft gray clouds blanketed the sky and lazily lingered for hours.
The rain stayed shyly hidden and teased the anxious gardener looking upward for relief.
At one point the clouds began to open and revealed some blue.
I was in a hospital and not out in the garden, and yet, I too hoped for rain.
The beautiful blue was not appreciated.
The hospital window gave us a tall and wide view of the sky.
I turned my back on this view, so as not to dwell in disappointment.
A technician came into the room looking for an IV machine.
She commented on the beautiful window view we had there.
I nodded my head and agreed with her, though I barely glanced back.
It was not long after she left I heard the sound of rain.
I turned around to see a heavy rain pouring out of the sky.
My heart rejoiced.
Eventually the rain tapered to a slow and light pace.
The gentle and steady flow of water is greatly needed.
All the gray in the sky was knitted together once more.
No threats of thunder or lightning were imminent.
The rain was reassuring to me.
I was refreshed along with the nearby grounds and gardens.
The breeze sweeps across the agate chime that spirals down.
Each earthly banded slice with variations of brown and amber
have been sliced from a mother stone.
The wooden crown has seven holes where seven strands
of fishing line hang down, ending with one agate section.
This chime was a gift from my mother to me.
She brought it back from one of her far off travels.
Her travels ended with her death.
Now a distant memory.
Today on this Mother's Day the sun shining
through each translucent section, and
the sound of the striking agate stone brings
My mother briefly back to me.
I hope she rests in peace.
Though from knowing her, it is more likely
that she is still on the move.
A day off allowed me to take time in the woods.
Respite is required for sanity these days.
The soothing sound of birds, and flowing water
can pull my mind into my present environment,
and leave behind the torments.
The bright bluebells, and woodland phlox bring color and cheer.
The swallowtails could be seen. Their colors vary.
There was a zebra swallowtail that I could see,
and it seemed to follow me for awhile.
I have only ever seen it in these particular woods.
Birds, turtles, and a long river snake were also observed.
The path I took had many rocks which required my mind's focus
to keep from falling.
The weather was pleasant. The day started sunny and as the day
wore on some clouds accumulated.
I ended my respite at the Great Falls.
Their sound carries their power to my ears.
A few herons could be seen perched on some jutting rocks
in the middle of the falls.
Nature in all its' glory sustains me.
I will return when respite is what I need.
The blue light cracked the line of my visual horizon.
It emanated an alarming signal of disruption.
A seal of protection had been breached.
This alarming image was seared into my consciousness.
The chaos that ensued spanned out over the years,
An uncountable loss.
It shook the core of my sanity and every value
That had ever been instilled.
An unnamed enemy was on the loose.
My trust was dissolved and suspicion took its place.
This disruption changed everything about my world.
I keep looking back picking up stray memories
From my past, trying to piece together a puzzle.
When I look back many things do not make sense.
However, speculation can wind around and around,
Getting me no closer to the truth.
What I am left with is what I have chosen to believe.
I do believe that each new day will bring new opportunities
To explore. I still have hope and faith in the light
Within me that guides me forward.
Some thoughts are left unexplored, for I fear there
will be things that I could not bare to know.
My trust has been badly broken, and I am slowly
Working on its repair.
I know that there are probably others like me,
And it is this thought that keeping me moving
FORWARD.
Bloodlines walk the earth.
Words fill the pages of books.
Books line the walls and shelves of libraries.
If forgotten, they gather dust.
A repository of stories and ideas, waiting for discovery.
Bloodlines carry the code of life, called DNA.
DNA carries the divine essence of life.
God's code, the divine, was gifted to us all.
We each carry his light within us.
This is not meant to be blasphemous.
Some will read these words and be offended.
This is not my intention.
My vision of God holds our almighty father,
The Creator of mankind, as the most sacred thing we have.
God's ultimate sacrifice was that he also gifted us with choice.
Our choices make us who we are.
Some choose to ignore the sacred light within them,
While others embrace it and set forth to strengthen
Their communities, schools, churches, and medical facilities.
They know that to truly honor God, our father, they must
Often let go of their ego.
Honoring and respecting God can be done in the privacy of
One's heart or in the bright light of a cathedral.
No human can judge the godliness or honest faith of another.
Only our Creator, our Almighty Father, has this power.
Micro versus Macro is a battle I fight frequently.
The curious me draws me into an online world
where I begin to explore new worlds.
Esoteric subjects attract me and pull me along
into a deeper and deeper well of knowledge.
Finding the truth can be tricky.
My stomach saves me.
The grumble and rumble of hunger pulls me back
into my home environment.
Out the kitchen window a large hawk sits
among the bare branches of a tulip tree.
Along the old wooden trellis under
the old wild cherry trees a baby squirrel scampers.
My daughters calls to me,
"When are you going to do my nails?"
The Micro surfing must stop.
My Macro world is calling out to me,
"You live here with your family."
The big picture is where I must live my life.
A mother's work must go on...
If we stop and listen to our hearts, they will lead us.
If we do not take the time to listen, we could lose our direction.
An eye for an eye is not the road to peace.
Forgiving and letting go will let us move forward,
and bring us closer to a finish line rather than
an endless loop of angry repetition.
God does have hands. We might not always see them.
If we listen carefully, we might hear the rustle of the wind.
His hands are large. He sees a bigger picture that we cannot see.
He might not always answer our prayers in the way we want.
What we want is not always what we need.
The last cake I made during this holiday break had to be thrown out.
It went bad before we ate even half.
We were too busy counting calories and saying "no"
to ourselves.
On New Year's Eve I made a new cake.
This time I am making sure to eat one or two pieces a day,
...maybe more...
I have decided that occasional hedonism is good for my soul.
This morning I had cake for breakfast.
I promise not to make it a permanent pattern.
I am taking my family's health into consideration
by eating most of it myself.
Back to work tomorrow.
Is this a rabbit or a hare?
Did you know that I can pull a rabbit from a hat?
To show you I will put one dove into the hat
and wave my magic wand.
AB-RA-CA-DA-BRA...abracadabra...
One, then two, then three, and so on and so on..
Will arise and fly.
Do you believe me?
Do you have faith in me?
It takes more than one to build a dream.
Together we can make it real, a living breathing truth.
My hope is that we can build a kinder, safer
and more inclusive world in 2023.
It takes more than one to do this.
Have faith and do your research.
Believe in yourself and believe in the "we".
There are many roads you can take
that will lead you to the same destination.
Your dreams fulfilled!
The silver bells are sparkling on evergreen branches,
tempting the curious cat.
The smell from the kitchen reaches his nose,
and saves the silver bells from further exploration.
He jumps and turns as his attention shifts to the clatter
of bowls hitting the kitchen floor.
Luck is on his side as his nose finds turkey giblets
scattered on the tiles. His speed outwits the cook
as he makes off with the giblets in his mouth.
He finds a hiding place in the children's playroom
and finishes his snack and licks his paws.
His luck runs out as Clara spots him behind her toy box.
She has a small Santa hat in her hands.
She heads his way, calling out his name sweetly with her little voice.
He is not charmed for they have played this game before.
He is determined that little red hat will not go on his head.
He decides he had better run when he sees her big brother join the game
with a camera in his hands.
He does make it out the little flap door in the laundry room.
He sees the dog house which can some days be a friendly place.
Today he spots a guest dog with a grumpy disposition.
The garage side door is not completely closed,
and he squeezes through the opening.
He finds a soft spot with the clean car wash rags.
The richness of the giblets makes his head feel heavy,
and he is ready for a nap.
He awakes with the clicking noise of the door
and he feels brother's hands lifting him off his pile.
Before he can stop it that fuzzy red hat is on his head.
He shakes his head but it has been tied under his chin.
He hears Clara giggling in the background
and camera lights are flashing in his eyes.
He finally gets away as the garage door opens.
Grandpa sees his misery and takes pity.
He removes the fuzzy Santa hat, and lets him go.
Hopefully he can find a mouse to put under their Christmas tree.
He will delight with Clara's scream!
movingforwardslowly 