movingforwardslowly

Immersing myself in the ordinary tasks of living,

I can’t escape this nagging feeling of loss.

My need for peace has cut me off from the maddening

Think tank that used to spiral around me.

The constant presence of an invisible force holding me

And guiding me is now much more subliminal.

The ghost has gone away. I’m on my own. I know this is for the best.

An independent struggle is the road I’m destined to take, at least for now.

Calling it a struggle might be an exaggeration, especially

Considering the burdens others must carry.

With proper perspective, I can see that the road I’m on

Is relatively smooth, and my faith is still with me.

Stretching and reclining as far out as my limbs will take me.

Head back, looking up, pondering the clouds, letting the gentle

Breeze caress my skin until the goose bumps rise.

Soaking up the warmth from the sun like a sponge.

Abandoning as much abstract thinking as I can.

Totally immersing myself in the earth, and letting

Only her pull my biological strings of arousal.

A brief respite before the garden restoration resumes.

Today as I was fumbling through a dresser drawer where

I keep odd pieces of jewelry and little tokens given to me

by various people, I found a cheap round metal pin,

similar to a campaign pin one might wear.

On the front was a heart outlined by a dotted line,

like you would see on a highway where you could

legally pass the car in front of you. Written in script

across the heart were the letters: xoxo.

They crossed over the line on both sides ever so slightly.

Growing up I used to end my letters, cards, and notes with

the word love, my name, and several xoxo.

These symbolized hugs and kisses. I guess they still do.

Of course, now I think about the numbers: 24,15,24,15.

In my weird code 24 can be a 6 or an 8 or a 10. A 15 can be

a 4 or a 6 depending on whether you are moving from the left or right

(adding or subtracting a 1 from a 5.)

I’m no good at explaining why I perceive numbers this way.

I’m sure you won’t be taught this in math class.

In my mind, these rules are only good for when you are looking

at numbers moving through a complex system.

I do not have an educational background in college math,

so don’t take my thoughts too seriously.

This madness had hold of me for a long time.

It is love that has saved me.

Love given and love received.

I am eternally grateful.

 

 

 

 

Can you run out of information or does information create more information?

As I was thinking about this, the image of a tessellating flower came into my mind.

A mosaic. To the ant it can be rough terrain. To a giant it can be a smooth line circling round and round.

Particles or waves or all the same? From space it might be indistinguishable from everything else… until you zoom in.

Part to whole. Repetitive division. Fractional …izing  without end.

Each point in space is a different picture.

Changing velocity gives way to new inflorescence and varied forms of beauty.

Mistakes along the way give us our humanity, and saves us from mindless repetition.

Mother Nature knows what she is doing. She continues to dance to her own music.

Mankind needs to yield when necessary, and learn to listen more carefully to her cues.

 

 

 

 

The other day in class two students simultaneously announced it’s 11:11.

A few others repeated the number 11:11. They all smiled and laughed.

“What’s the significance?” I asked.

“Make a wish” one explained. “Wishes are granted at 11:11” he added in jest.

Their tone and mood was playful.

I did start thinking about what my wish would be.

Ideas of fame and fortune did cross my mind.

When my heart and mind came together, I thought about my daughter.

I realized my wish would be for her.

I am smart enough to get by. I’ve been toughened up with age.

My deepest and darkest fears and worries lie with her.

I fear my death not for me, but for her.

What will happen to her when I die?

I knew my wish needed to be tangible and attainable.

I made a wish that I could work with her daily to reach a goal.

This goal will improve all our lives, but mostly hers.

There is no pie in the sky for us. I just need to take a leap of faith.

By working with her steadily to make improvements,

Her future will look brighter.

In the end, my wish was for us to be successful

In reaching this goal for her.

 

 

A couple of weeks ago when the weather was nice, I finally got out into my garden to do some work. My garden is in serious need of restoration. I started last summer and made some progress. However, I started too late, and the weather got too hot, and my mind wasn’t 100 percent into the project yet.

Now, my mind is about 99.5 % committed. My first goal is my pond and the area directly surrounding it. This area is center stage from the viewpoint of my kitchen window. When I started weeding the area of dirt around the pond about 2 weeks ago, I found a ladybug nestled down in the dirt around some rocks. I took off my garden gloves and gently picked her up and brushed some flecks of dirt off of her. I was delighted to see her move and respond by lifting her wings and attempting to fly. She didn’t get far, so I lifted her again and brushed a little more dirt off of her. This time her wings were able to fully expand and she took flight. She was the only bug I saw that day.

Today, finally my life and the weather allowed me to get outside again. I found my thigh-high fishing boots and put them on. I reached down into the pond to retrieve the two pumps and the submersible ultra-violet clarifier/sterilizer. I didn’t even get these running last summer.

I had to step into the pond to try and readjust the round granite bowl that had slipped down off the granite blocks it rested on. I also found the bubbler that brings water up into the bowl. The garden birds love this bowl and bubbler.

It suddenly occurred to me that I might not be able to lift the bowl. It is extremely heavy for me, especially with the water in it. We’ve had so much rain the pond is at full capacity. In the past, my husband has been able to help me. Now, he can’t, at least not yet.

I was determined to try. I turned the bowl onto its side so it wouldn’t hold the water when lifted. With all my strength, and the help of angels, I was able to get the bowl up onto one of the columns  of blocks. It needs two columns to rest securely. So much shifting has taken place I determined that I’d need to drain the pond to get everything realigned properly. The water lilies have taken over.

I needed to get the bowl out of the pond. Using my arms and back and thighs, I was able to do a squat walk of sorts with the bowl in tow. Miraculously, I was able to get it to one side and tip it over the edge onto the pebbled ground. Then, as I stood in the pond with the raindrops beginning to fall on me, I saw a lone ladybug floating on top. I lifted her out and held her in my palm. She didn’t move. The raindrops began to fall harder and the wind began to blow. I stepped out of the pond carrying the ladybug and moved quickly to my covered deck. I set her down on the round wooden table so I could pull off my boots.

The feral cats my husband had adopted were looking at me with their begging eyes. I picked the ladybug up and moved her inside to my stainless breakfast bar. I quickly went back to feed the cats. My husband would like me to do this for him.

I came back inside and the ladybug was still there where I ‘d laid her. It was apparent that life had left her shell behind.

I sure hope there is a ladybug heaven. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me for wanting this or even thinking that it is possible.

The rain passed quickly and the sun is out again, though now, I need to work on dinner.

I couldn’t get the ladybugs out of my mind. It seemed so odd for me to find only one each day. There must be a lesson for me here.  The ladybug that got away was in the dirt and not the water. I decided that I’d better keep my hands and mind on my garden. The ladybug’s spirit is pushing me to 100 percent.

 

 

 

Pig Latin is a way to talk in code.

A way to disguise your words.

Hidden from the clueless.

Groups like to invent their own language,

So they can secretly talk out in the open.

It’s like a glue that holds the group together.

It keeps the outsider excluded.

Sometimes it is filled with double meaning,

Often misunderstood.

The pig conjures up within me all sorts of feelings.

I’ve never forgotten my brother telling me:

“Don’t worry little piggy, you’ll grow up to be a hog one day.”

I was twelve and he was sixteen. I wasn’t fat or lazy.

In my mind, there was no comparison between a pig and I.

He meant no malice; he was a teenage boy.

My feelings about pigs have softened over time.

Long ago, I picked out a pig at Restoration Hardware.

It now holds a place of honor in my garden and in my heart.

Happiness is elusive for some. The pursuit can tire one out.

One day you might catch it. The next day it is gone.

It slipped away while you weren’t looking.

Some build a temple for it and bolt the doors.

The constant need for validation can wear it down.

Thin and fragile, it can dissipate.

Some say it is a choice. A decision to make it be.

No pursuit needed.

There is no universal definition of its specifics.

It’s just a general feeling.

Happiness has many enemies. Among them: Jealousy and Rage.

These are the most aggressive.

Faced with adversity, Happiness can shrink away.

It must stay tethered to a well-braided rope.

 

 

The beauty of snow adorned trees reaffirms Mother Nature’s exquisite taste.

Frozen water forms intricate patterns that elicit awe.

From a distance it covers all in non-discrimination, gender-less and fair.

This cold and frosty lace is a crowning glory. The old magnificent trees

Patiently wear Winter’s royal dress. They know the soft and flowery

Warmth of lovely Spring will renew their vigor soon.

Scanning the Twitter-verse,

Reading random tweets.

Not necessarily following my feed, but rather

Following a chain of people, a chain of thoughts.

One person leads to another, and this goes on until

The redundancy becomes absurd.

The degree of condescension seems high to extreme.

We humans have a need to put each other down.

Perhaps, it is a desire to place oneself above.

Many reach up by educating themselves, then assume

A patronizing stance. I’m up here, and you’re down there.

Sometimes in good fun, of course.

Not everyone falls into this trap, though it is all so easy to do.

A good laugh at someone else, mostly hidden behind their back,

Covered up in the guise of some other silly conversation.

All so smart, so superior, so cultured,  definitely not native.

The need to condescend might come from a more deep-seated concern,

Possibly a weakness at one’s core, an uncertainty of one’s own worth.

The posturing of one’s ego holds one up above the rest.

No one wants an ‘average’ designation, and I include myself in this.

All these poses, guises, and masks give off an unauthentic air,

Or a pompous cloud that breeds contempt.

It is no wonder that the belligerent buffoon rises.